What, indeed, is wrong with animal rights? Can theorizing the human/animal divide help overcome the anthropocentrism that pervades legal representations of the elephant in the Bronx? (Nonhuman Rights Project ex parte Happy v. Breheny, a US case claiming habeas corpus for a captive elephant paradoxically named "Happy") What might an anti-capitalist, anti-Westernised legal system look like – a system taking as its foundation the ability of every being to niche construct and engage with its natural environment, rather than the current reality of legal rights which remain rooted in the concepts of possessive individualism and ownership of private property? What can we learn from indigenous communities about our relationship to nature and the management of resources? We will consider this alternative legal future for captive elephants with the help of continental philosophy and evolutionary biology.